September Roundup: The People Who Spark Tokimeki

In September, the Weekly Tokimeki Questions turned from work to relationships, and focused on the people we love, from family and friends to partners and all the special people in our lives. Each week's question was a small chance to notice someone who makes your life a little brighter and show them some appreciation, and your answers showed us just how many small ways there are to do that.

The month opened with Marie and her husband Takumi asking each other a question they come back to often: what's been sparking joy for you lately? Marie's answer was tea, and all the small questions that come with each cup, from the farm the leaves came from to the artist who made the vessel.

"Each little thought sparks joy, one after another," she says.

Takumi's answer was the people who grow and make our food, and hearing why they do what they do. Both answers lead back to people, and to the way joy grows once you know who is behind something. We wrote about their conversation at more length in our blog post: The Small Things, Chosen Carefully [coming soon!].

If you missed last month, when we focused on Tokimeki for Career, you can catch up in our August roundup.

Things that bring someone back

Our first relationship question was about the objects that remind us of the people we love: What's a special item that reminds you of someone you love? It could be a photo, a gift, a letter, or anything at all.

For Marie, it's a handkerchief her mother gave her.

"There's this cute squirrel lace around the edge," she says. "Every time I see it or use it, I feel my mother's kindness."

As a child, Melinda was fascinated by Russian dolls and always wanted one. Years later, her mother traveled to Russia and brought one home for her, and Melinda still loves opening it up to look at each doll inside.

"Whenever I look at her I think of my mum," she wrote.

Khois shared a wall clock from his younger brother, printed with a photo of Khois himself, his legs stretched out across the dial.

"It's not expensive or fancy," he wrote, "but somehow he managed to turn a random clock into a very him kind of gift."

In the KonMari Method, sentimental items are saved for last because deciding what to keep can be really hard. Answers like Melinda's and Khois's are a good reminder of what you're looking for when you get there: the things that bring someone back to you the moment you hold them.

Your answers also brought us a grandmother's vintage decorations, a keychain from a son's trip, flowers from a garden that was passed down, and a record that said more than words could. See more of them in the community collage.

Small things people do for you

The next question asked about the gestures that are easy to miss: What's something small that someone has done for you that truly sparked Tokimeki in you?

For Marie, a memory came to mind straight away. After she came back from a long business trip, her daughter gave her a letter and a gift. 

"It sparked so much Tokimeki in me seeing how she thought of me and wanted to gift me something to brighten my day!"

Helen likes to drink warm water in the morning. When her husband wakes up first, he turns on the kettle and sets it to the temperature she likes, "so it's ready for me."

On X, DagoeLLL shared flowers from their partner, writing that

"even though it didn't cost as much as a luxury item, it's incredibly meaningful."

Before Helen's husband could have her water ready, he had to notice exactly how she likes it, and nearly every gesture you shared began the same way, with someone paying close attention to what you love. That kind of attention is a gift anyone can give. This week, try noticing the small things someone you love reaches for every day, and see what you could have ready for them to bring a little more joy into their day. You might notice it sparks joy for you too, as the Tokimeki you give finds its way back to you and out to the people around you.

More of your answers are in the community collage.

Texting, calling, or in person?

The third week brought a lighter question: Texting, calling, or in person? Which sparks the most Tokimeki when connecting with someone?

"For me, it's in person," Marie says. "The atmosphere. The expressions. The whole conversation. Sharing the same space feels really special." She has a soft spot for the other two as well. Texting is "so easy, so casual," and with a call, "just hearing a voice can be wonderful."

Zina agreed with Marie and picked in person.

"There's something about being truly present with someone," Zina wrote, and what sparks the most joy is "giving someone something increasingly rare, our full presence and our time."

Velo went the other way and picked texting, for the freedom to

"take my time, think about what I wanna say, and randomly come back to the conversation whenever."

All three got plenty of votes, and many of you mentioned loved ones in other countries, where a message or a video call is what keeps you close. Your favorite way to connect might be different from the way the people you love like to be reached, and it can be worth asking them.

You can see the more of your answers in our community collage.

Five signs someone sparks Tokimeki in you

We closed out September by asking you to tag someone whose presence always sparks Tokimeki for you. It's not always easy to say why one person makes you feel that way, so the post also shared five signs to look for:

1. You feel uplifted and excited when you see or talk to them.
2. It feels like a safe space where you can both truly be yourselves.
3. They're excited and supportive of your dreams and goals, just as you are with theirs.
4. You feel fulfilled and loved when you're with them.
5. You want to share all the little things about your day with them.

Most of these signs show up on ordinary days, in a quick chat after work or a message about something small that happened. Some of your answers this month already pointed to them, like Helen's kettle set to just the right temperature, or Zina's joy in giving someone full presence and time.

If someone came to mind as you read through the signs, let them know. Telling a person what they mean to you is part of the practice too, and a short message or a few words over dinner is often all it takes. They may have no idea how much Tokimeki they bring into your life, and hearing it from you might be the thing that sparks some in theirs.

Going deeper this month

The weekly questions are the quick part of each week, and the rest of our September posts went further into what Tokimeki looks like between people. 

Toward the end of the month, Marie recorded a short video about what happens once you've been practicing for a while. As your sensitivity to Tokimeki grows, it reaches past your belongings and into your relationships, and you begin to notice who sparks joy for you, and who you spark joy for in return. 

"I have seen this happen again and again," she says. "As people sharpen their Tokimeki sensitivity, their relationships become lighter." 

The change rarely stops with one person either, because, in Marie's words:

"Tokimeki, once noticed, is hard not to share." 

We go further into what this looks like in our blog post on Letting Tokimeki Guide Your Relationships [coming soon!].

If you'd like to keep going, here are a few more of our favorite posts from September!

Early in the month, we asked what your body already knows about which relationships spark Tokimeki in you. When you think of someone, you might notice whether you feel light and open, or tense and drained, and it's important to give yourself permission to trust what you notice. One of the most powerful parts of Tokimeki is that your body often knows before your mind does.

A few days later, we shared questions to ask about a relationship beyond whether it "makes sense", like whether you feel like yourself with that person and whether you feel lighter after you talk. Tokimeki with people is often subtle, and questions like these can help you catch it.

Our post on how Tokimeki can lead you to your ikigai explained the difference between the two. Tokimeki is something you sense in the moment, often before you can say why, and ikigai is a purpose you can eventually put into words. Each time you notice your Tokimeki, you gather another clue about what that purpose might be. We went further into the same idea on our blog post Tokimeki vs. Ikigai.

Once you know who sparks Tokimeki for you, those relationships need looking after. Our post on nurturing the relationships that spark Tokimeki compared them to plants that grow with regular care, through checking in, showing up, and telling people you appreciate them.

Near the end of the month, our post on Otsukimi, the Japanese tradition of gathering under the autumn moon to give thanks for the harvest, asked who you'd want beside you to share it with and wish good health to.

And Marie shared her ritual of catch-up walks with Takumi, something they started early in their marriage and still keep up today. "We talk about things from work to more personal things," she has said of the walks, writing down their thoughts and what they want to do as they go.

When a relationship changes

Noticing Tokimeki with people can be harder than noticing it with a sweater, because sometimes you realize the spark you once felt with someone has faded. Marie has seen this among the people who learned her tidying method, and she has spoken about it most directly when it comes to romantic relationships. 

"There are cases where their relationships improve, or where they end up breaking up with someone they were dating," she says. "These kinds of changes in relationships do happen." 

As your sensitivity to Tokimeki grows, so does your ability to tell whether a feeling is coming from anxiety or whether "your body is truly relaxed and feeling happy" with someone. Facing that honestly can be uncomfortable, especially with someone you've known for years or a relationship you feel you ought to keep. Acting on what you notice takes courage, and like your sensitivity to Tokimeki, that courage builds with practice, one small choice at a time, until you can trust yourself about which people and moments you want to keep.

You don't have to act on what you notice right away. More often than not, paying attention simply helps you see who already makes life brighter, and to spend a little more of our time with them.

A practice for this week

Here are four prompts to try, one for each of September's questions.

1. Find a special item that reminds you of someone you love, hold it for a moment, and notice the first memory that comes up. Then pick up something you're keeping only out of duty to someone. How does it feel in your hand compared to the first?
2. Think of a small thing someone did for you that you never thanked them for, maybe because you only noticed it later. What did they need to know about you to do it, and how does it feel to realize someone was paying that much attention?
3. Ask yourself whether texting, calling, or meeting in person sparks the most Tokimeki for you. Then think of someone you love: do you know which one they prefer? Ask them this week, try their favorite way, and notice how the conversation feels.
4. One of the five signs is wanting to share the little things about your day with someone. Over the next few days, notice who you want to tell first when something small happens, like a funny sign on the way to work or a really good coffee. Is it who you expected, and how does it feel to realize it's them?

If you'd like something more hands-on, try this for five evenings in a row. Before bed, write one line about something small a person did for you that day, with their name beside it. On the fifth night, read the five lines back, choose one person, and before the weekend, thank them for the small thing they did.

Take these at your own pace. Some weeks one prompt is plenty.

Join us every week

Every Wednesday, Marie shares a new Weekly Tokimeki Question and answers it first, and anyone who wants to can join in with their own answer. A few days later we gather some of your replies into a community collage, and at the end of the month we bring it all together here.

In October, we're turning to nature and the changing seasons. You can find the latest question on Instagram and X, and read more at artoftokimeki.com.